Enter the lies

It is a hard thing to accept when a pregnancy is unplanned. It is even harder for the unborn child who, in the womb recognizes that it was not desired. The rejection is horrific. Much less to be reminded of it often as one of those funny stories you tell to your grandchildren. Not so funny to tell the kids.

In our house it was my dad who had the strong reaction to the news of each new pregnancy. Whether he wanted us or not at that moment is not really the point. The perception of a child is very narcissistic. Therefore, if when my dad heard that my mom was pregnant with me, he wrecked his car, then, it most certainly was because this news was so awful to him he could think of nothing else. Right? My dad is kind of a scary driver to begin with, but upon hearing the news of each new addition to the family he wrecked a car. So, in the matter of 4 years he wrecked 3 cars. Oh, it is funny now, but as a child it hurt me and I didn't even know it then, to believe that at the thought of me being in his life caused him such distress. It is no wonder I never felt safe enough to ask for help or protection. He didn't want me anyway why would he protect me. (Was my thought/feeling) The lie... that I was not truly wanted stayed with me always.